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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30022815">Here's to Never Growing Up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aradia_MoonFlare/pseuds/Aradia_MoonFlare'>Aradia_MoonFlare</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Arthur Finds Out About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Arthur Knows About Morgana's Magic (Merlin), Arthur remembers Sophia's enchantment in the form of nightmares, Damn, Episode: s01e07 Gates of Avalon, Fix-It, Good Mordred (Merlin), Good Morgana (Merlin), I hope you find entertainment in my desperate scramble to give Arthur good characterization, I just jump between episodes patching up the inconsistencies like Bob the fucking builder, Kid Mordred (Merlin), M/M, Merlin adopts Mordred, Merlin is a Horrible Liar (Merlin), Multi, POV Third Person, Set After 1x07, because I dont have plenty of those kind of WIPs already, because fuck the BBC, i dont know her, is that not a tag either?, my brother beta read this so if there are any typos blame him, now Ive written a whole ass fic, oh yeah, please enjoy this very low effort fic, plot?, seriosuly at least half of this has been written at midnight, the world will end when i stop being salty at how the show treated him, there might be swearing I havent decided yet, this started out as just a headcanon jfc, update - theres swearing, well he finds out but there isnt a tag for that apparently</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:55:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30022815</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aradia_MoonFlare/pseuds/Aradia_MoonFlare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since Arthur woke up to a throbbing headache and Gaius and Merlin at his bedside, he's been... remembering things. Kind of. When he dreams, he sees familiar faces. Like Sophia, her father, his own father, and Merlin. But they certainly don't feel like his usual dreams. </p><p>Still. None of what he sees lines up with Merlin's story, or Gaius's, so it can't have been what actually happened. Right? </p><p>His life gets even more out of hand when a druid boy comes to Camelot and Arthur catches Morgana hiding him in her chambers, with Merlin's aid, of course.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>91</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I Had a Dream You Died</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello :)) Kandi here, back at it again with my hyper fixation. Like the tags said, if this story is bad, blame my brother. He's the one who told me to post it. This is a canon divergence fic where everyone lives, starting at episode 7, The Gates of Avalon, and continuing through the series until I've achieved the ending I want. And yes, the Story Title is the tile of a song. I was listening to it at the time and I'm too lazy to try thinking of something creative. Also my undying love goes to anyone who can guess the songs the chapter titles come from. </p><p>Please bare in mind that this is entirely self indulgent and that I am sensitive to a fault. Thanks. </p><p>Shameless self promotion because I do not fear death:<br/>https://www.redbubble.com/people/FangirlAlert-/shop?asc=u&amp;ref=account-nav-dropdown<br/>https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/aradia-pendragon</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Like all momentous things happening in Camelot lately, it all started with a bad dream. Unfortunately for Arthur, this one wasn’t Morgana’s cross to bear. It was his.</p><p>He’d been sleeping fitfully for about a week now, and usually woke up in a state of vague panic, but this was the first time he had actually dreamt. And it wasn’t pleasant.</p><p>He was drowning. Not literally, but he was suffocating all the same. He heard sweet, honey laced words carefully concealing malice, saw the flash of blood red eyes, felt anger and confusion and <em>desire </em>rise up in him all at once, threatening to bubble over. Something was so clearly and completely wrong with him, but he couldn’t fathom what it was. He could hardly think about anything except the heat in the pit of his stomach without pain flaring behind his eyes.</p><p>Then he was drowning for real. Water filled his lungs and he choked on his own tongue, grey-green liquid pouring over his lips, like a lake was contained inside his body. Arthur clutched at his throat as his vision began to fade into a red sort of hue, and he heard a familiar voice shout, <em>“Arthur, do you see?” </em></p><p>A face swam into focus before his eyes then, and despite coughing and hacking and pretty much dying, he recognized the frantic blue eyes and high cheekbones of Merlin.</p><p>
  <em>“I see everything.” </em>
</p><p>And he did. He really did. He saw his chambers, bathed in scarlet light. He saw a land of glowing blue lights and pulsing energy. He saw waves of a lakes surface crashing violently against the shore, the wind whipping it all up into a storm. He saw worlds colliding and futures ending, pain, grief, love and joy. He saw it all. He saw <em>everything</em>.</p><p>Suddenly Merlin was being launched into the air, a bolt of pure blue lightning hitting him square in the chest and sending him flying into the wall behind him, his head cracking sickeningly upon impact. Arthur tried to call out for him, but his vision had turned white with the blast and his face was turning blue and he was clawing at his chest, because he was <em>trapped </em>and he couldn’t <em>breathe</em>, he couldn’t—</p><p>“Arthur!”</p><p>The prince flew into sitting position, lashing out wildly. Merlin cursed, narrowly avoiding getting punched. “Jesus— Arthur! What the hell?”</p><p>Arthur was breathing heavily, practically panting, his fingers pressed uncomfortably against the base of his neck, still feeling a ghost-like touch against his throat and his chest, dragging him up for air and crushing his chance for it at the same time. Arthur turned his wild eyes to Merlin, and saw the poorly concealed horror lying in his manservant's expression. Slowly his hand drifted back down into his lap and he fell backwards, letting his head <em>thump </em>against the pillow. He tried to take deep breaths, focusing on calming his racing heart.</p><p>“…what in the nine hells was that?” Merlin asked hesitantly, “I came in to wake you and it looked like you were trying to rip out your own vocal chords.”</p><p>“Nightmare.” Was all Arthur would permit him, his walls settling back in their usual place now that his earlier panic had started to fade.</p><p>Merlin paused, chewing at his lip, obviously still a little spooked. “Wanna talk about it?”</p><p>Arthur rolled his eyes, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of his bed, pushing past his kind-of-friend more forcefully than he meant to. “No.”</p><p>The blonde wasn’t even sure what he would say if they <em>did </em>talk about it. That hadn’t been his usual nightmare. There were no fires burning, no crimson capes or golden crests, no screaming Druid children or thick, suffocating smoke. He didn’t know <em>what</em> that had been.</p><p>Arthur reached out and plucked an apple from where it had rolled off the plate, inspecting it. An image of Merlin, walking into Arthur’s chambers and throwing his breakfast haphazardly on the table once he noticed what was happening, was enough to make him smile. Despite still being shaken himself, he turned to reassure the younger boy, who was still watching him anxiously. “Don’t looked so shocked. I get them all the time. Maybe not as much as Morgana does, but enough to get used to it.” He took a bite out of the apple, waiting for the concern to vanish from his servants face. It didn’t.</p><p>Instead, Merlin frowned and asked, “Shouldn’t you talk to Gaius then? He treats Morgana’s nightmares, he should be able to treat yours.”</p><p>The prince shrugged. “I don’t need treatments for it. It’d just be a waste of medicine, anyway.”</p><p>“Not if you genuinely need it. I could ask Gaius later today if—”</p><p>“Shut up, Merlin.”</p><p>The words were said without malice, but Merlin still looked like he’d been slapped. Like always, his mouth clicked shut, an almost offended look on his face. Without another word, he turned and stalked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.</p><p>Arthur sighed. He needed to remember that his and Merlin’s timid friendship was barely half a year old, and that it was still fragile. Merlin was only trying to be nice, he didn’t deserve Arthur’s harsh words. He’d go and apologize after training. And by apologize he meant badger him until Merlin was too annoyed to continue holding a grudge. Nobody was perfect, after all.</p><p>As he shoveled his breakfast into his mouth in a very unprince-like manner, Arthur couldn’t help but refer back to his dream. The bolt of lighting, Merlin practically splitting his head open on the wall, crumpling to the floor like a lifeless corpse, the abject terror that Arthur felt as he watched — none of it made any sense. Oddly enough, it felt like a memory, instead of just a dream. But that was impossible, because with something like that? Merlin would be dead. The prince brushed off his unease, filing away the dream for a later time.</p><p>Usually then would be the time Merlin dressed him for the day, but with his servant absent from the room, Arthur took to dressing himself, going through the motions in a more subdued manner than he usually did. He tried to remember something Merlin had told him the night before. That he needed to attend an early council meeting, then go to training with the knights, then his father expected him to turn in his fully written speech for the feast of Beltane, which was in a few days time. <em>Council, Training, Speech. Council, Training, Speech. </em>Arthur repeated the words to himself, hoping he wasn’t forgetting anything. Then, fully dressed and less than well attended too, he set off toward the Council Room of Camelot.</p><p>His father was mid-conversation with Geoffrey, Gaius, and a couple other older men when Arthur walked in. Courtiers hung in the back of the room, waiting until they were needed in the briefing, trying to pretend they weren’t eavesdropping. Uther looked up as his son entered, and Arthur ignored the hurt that flared when the King’s expression didn’t change. No flicker of relief, no small smile, nothing. Schooling his expression in the exact same way, Arthur tilted his chin up, made his way around the table, and placed himself next to an oily old man who’s name he couldn’t be bothered to remember.</p><p>Uther handed Geoffrey the papers he had been holding, never taking his gaze away from Arthur. “You’re early. Good.” He launched into an explanation of the issues they were to discuss during council, so that Arthur could be as prepared as the rest of them. Lord Aylmer’s lands had flooded again, Lord Carnell’s wife had bore his third son, there had been a few arrests made in an outer lying village for thievery, and a Town Physician Haelan hadn’t turned up to work for a week. In other words, nothing even remotely interesting had happened since the last meeting.</p><p>Arthur sighed inwardly, preparing himself for yet another boring day among yet another boring week.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It all fell apart during training.</p><p>He had nearly been able to forget about his nightmare, between nearly falling asleep as Geoffrey and Leon discussed grain, Morgana pestering him with one thing or another — and him forgetting the topic the second she left him alone — and his worry at not seeing Merlin for the entire day.</p><p>He stopped Guinevere in the hall once, on his way to the courtyard. She looked at him nervously, but smiled once he asked if she had seen his servant. “I just passed him, sire. I believe he was going down to the armory.”</p><p>It wasn’t a strange or terrible statement in itself, Merlin went down to the armory all the time. Still, Arthur couldn’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment when he realized that Merlin was probably avoiding him, and he might not see him until the end of the day.</p><p>Gwen cleared her throat awkwardly, lifting her basket of clothes, eyebrows raising. “If I may…?”</p><p>Arthur flushed, pulling away and letting her get on to her laundering, shaking himself and making his way through the castle once more.</p><p>His knights were already gathered on the training field. Some were doing routine stretches, others taking the opportunity to talk amongst themselves, and a rare few were sparring, trying to practice the techniques they learned from the day before.</p><p>Arthur smiled proudly, his Merlin-Induced mood melting away as he watched. </p><p>Sir Leon strode up to him, not rushed, because a proper Knight of Camelot never rushed, but his long legs carried him quickly all the same. “Sire.”</p><p>Arthur resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He had long since given up trying to get Leon to just call him by his name. He was a man of tradition and honor, and despite growing up side by side with Arthur and becoming all but brothers, he always insisted on being formal. “Leon.” Arthur greeted in return. “Trust you to leave the same meeting as me but arrive at training so much sooner.”</p><p>The corners of Leon’s mouth twitched, as he said, “The king held you longer, Sire. That you’re here on time is all that matters.” He paused, and Arthur nodded for him to just get on with his point already. “I wanted to ask if the plan for today has not changed. Some of the newer recruits are feeling a little lost, but I didn’t want to start an exercise we hadn’t been planning.”</p><p>Arthur smiled. “No changes, Leon, just— Finnian! Try holding the handle higher up! Yeah, like that. Wait, aren’t you left handed?” The last bit was directed at a young man sparring a few feet away, who looked up at Arthur’s voice and grinned sheepishly at his advice. Arthur turned his attention back to Leon, who’s amusement seemed to have grown. “Ridiculous, the lot of them. Come on, I’ll help you wrangle the greenhorns.”</p><p>It went well for a while.</p><p>Soon, Leon was busy sparring with Conor, and Arthur was spending most of his time correcting poor Finnian, who, for some reason, could not understand that you <em>shouldn’t rotate your hips, goddammit, plant your feet, you’re going to fall over— </em>Arthur let out a small laugh, pretending he didn’t hear how hysterical he sounded. He dragged a hand over his face, telling the young knight that he was taking a water break.</p><p>After dipping his hands in the bucket of cold water and splashing it over his face, he settled back to watch his men train. Finnian’s struggling had reminded Arthur of how much he had come to depend on Merlin’s presence over the months they had known each other. There was something so relieving about complaining to someone just for the sake of it, and have them do nothing but smile in understanding. Arthur didn’t know if he could be like that with anyone else. Leon would be itching to give advice, Morgana would roll her eyes and call him whiny, and his father… his father was just out of the question.</p><p>If Merlin were there right now, Arthur would be running his mouth at the speed of a charging Griffin. But Merlin wasn’t there, so he just had to focus on breathing, and not letting his frustration overwhelm him.</p><p>Unbidden, Arthur’s eyes were drawn to a section of the field, where two knights — Arthur’s friend Kay and a newcomer who’s name he couldn’t place — were practicing their skill at quarterstaffs, their movements slow and careful, their stance steady and their swings calculated. The new guy (Owain? Ywan? There was a W in there somewhere, Arthur was sure) took up a new stance, his hands spread further on the staff, his feet braced one in front of the other, a shoulder-width apart, and he pointed the wooden pole at Kay, who nodded approvingly at his form.</p><p>He soon changed into a defensive position, his staff braced above his head, but Arthur was no longer paying attention. There was something about that scene that seemed so familiar…</p><p>
  <em>“Na mben sis!”</em>
</p><p>The words came to him suddenly, in the voice of an older man. Accompanied was the blue glow of a crystal, the flash of white light, and that image again— Merlin flying backwards with a force that looked like it could kill a boar.</p><p>Arthur felt like he’d stopped breathing. Maybe he had.</p><p>Someone called out to him, and he blinked, his vision suddenly going dark, like it sometimes did when he stood from his chair too fast. He felt lightheaded, and his legs felt like deadweights. He was suddenly hyper aware of sweat coating his skin, making his shirt stick uncomfortably to his chest. A hand on his shoulder startled him back into reality. Leon looked into his eyes, searching for something, concern evident on his face. “Arthur? Are you alright? You’ve gone pale.”</p><p>Arthur was too disoriented to rejoice in the small victory of Leon using his name. He only did that when he was worried anyway, so it probably didn’t count.</p><p>“Yes.” Arthur told him, his mouth dry. “Perfectly fine. Do you mind if I…? Um. I think I left something in my chambers.” It was an odd thing to say, and Leon seemed to notice, but he let go of his prince’s shoulder anyway.</p><p>Arthur turned quickly, ducking out from the curious gazes of his men, and walking on shaky legs towards the citadel. He climbed the steps into the castle — a blessing that the stairs weren’t steep, really — and didn’t stop moving until he’d reached his rooms. Servants scurried around him as he passed, most too preoccupied with staying out of his way in case he was in a bad temper, a few shooting him worried glances at whatever they seemed to find in Arthur’s expression.</p><p>
  <em>What in Arawn’s name was happening to him? </em>
</p><p>He opened and closed the doors of his chambers with a resounding <em>click, </em>resting his forehead against the wood and doing his best to stay upright.</p><p>The sound of a door behind him opening had him spinning around in surprise, hand instantly on the hilt of his sword.</p><p>Merlin watched him with wide eyes, peeking his head out from the antechamber where he had been hiding. “Arthur? You’re not supposed to be back yet, what are you doing here?”</p><p>Arthur visibly relaxed, but still felt a weight settling in the pit of his stomach at Merlin’s tone. Ah. So he really had been trying to avoid Arthur. The prince grimaced and Merlin stepped fully into the room, his eyebrows quirking in worry. “Arthur?”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Arthur blurted, seeming to surprise the boy in front of him. “For yelling at you this morning. It was rude, and you didnt deserve it.”</p><p>Merlin’s eyes widened a fraction, and he was silent for a moment, taken aback. “Wha— I don't care about that, you insufferable prat, I care about why your face has less color than that claw around your neck!”</p><p>Arthur reached up to grab his necklace, examining the bone white pendant. Leon did say he’d gone pale. Huh.</p><p>His legs gave out then, and he slid to the floor. Merlin jumped into action, grabbing him by the biseps and hauling him over to his canopy bed. His face was pinched as he rattled off a bunch of random questions. “Did you eat breakfast this morning?”</p><p>“Yes”</p><p>“When’s the last time you drank water?”</p><p>“About 30 seconds ago.”</p><p>“Do you feel hot?”</p><p>“Kinda.”</p><p>Merlin pursed his lips, trying to lower Arthur onto the mattress. “Did you feel like this when you woke up? Why didnt you tell me?”</p><p>Arthur was both touched and confused at how agitated his servant was acting all of a sudden— this definately wasnt something to make a man panic. Arthur was probably just getting a fever, or something. He reached out to ruffle Merlin’s hair, and said, “Never knew you cared.”</p><p>Merlin ducked away, practically dropping him, letting out a quiet hiss of pain.</p><p>Arthur frowned immediately, grabbing Merlin’s wrist and watching him flinch. He felt better now that he wasnt standing. Still a little light headed, but he was well enough to sit up and keep Merlin in place easily. “What was that?”</p><p>Merlin glanced away, like he thought an excuse would pop up out of the floorboards when he needed it. “I um. I hit my head a while back. It was stupid, just an accident, really. I guess its still a little sore.”</p><p>Arthur narrowed his eyes. “How?”</p><p>The brunette shifted, thinking rapidly. “I uh walked into a tree. Backwards. Which is why the bruise is on the back of my head. I was... collecting herbs. For Gaius.” Arthur didnt believe him for one second. Merlin seemed to sense this, and tugged his wrist free of Arthurs grip, moving around the room, trying desperately to change the subject. “Anyway that doesnt matter, happened maybe a week ago. Do you think you’ll be stuck in bed long? Should I finish writing your speech for you? I could stay here and keep you company if you like, after I get Gaius of course, so he can figure out whats wrong—“</p><p>“Merlin” Arthur interrupted, a question itching at the back of his mind, even though he knew it was probably a stupid thing to ask.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Were you... were you attacked, a week ago?”</p><p>Merlin froze from where he was bent over Arthurs desk, straightening a stack of papers. Arthur watched his entire body tense, shoulders rising ever so slightly towards his ears.</p><p>“...what?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Keeping the chapters relatively short this story because its supposed to be stress free thing I write when my eyes are burning from staring at my screen until 1 in the morning. I honestly didn't expect this to go over 2k words. Comments, Kudos and Bookmarks are appreciated &lt;33</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It Was Time Well Wasted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>nothing even remotely interesting happens for nearly 3k words. Enjoy &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>No one guessed last chapter's title inspiration :(( I'll give you guys another chance. </p>
<p>this chapter is not plot heavy at all, its kinda just an excuse for me to play around with the characters. This is my comfort project I do what I want &gt;:3</p>
<p>also no one beta read this. I just found the red squiggly lines and corrected them. So. Don't expect too much.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Arthur stared at Merlin expectantly, as if his gaze alone could drag the truth out. “Come on, its a simple question. No one’s clumsy enough to walk backwards into a tree, Merlin, not even you. Were you attacked?”</p>
<p>
  <em>And did it happen to take place in my chambers with a glowing stick and a lightning bolt?</em>
</p>
<p>Merlin slowly turned around, a nervous grin already plastered on his face. “I’m afraid you underestimate me, my lord. There was a root, and I tripped over it when I stood up, and there was a tree behind me. Simple as that.” He tilted his head, letting out a breathy — slightly panicked — laugh. “What’s this about, really? Did you hit your head too and not tell me?”</p>
<p>Arthur scowled, scooting back so that he was pressed against his headboard. He knew Merlin only used his title when he was trying to annoy him, and possibly distract him as well. He had this insufferable way of using anything but Arthur’s name and making it sound like the most offensive insult. It was probably that shit-eating grin the servant always sported while saying it.</p>
<p>Still, even with Arthur’s senses screaming at him to dig deeper, he was just as enthusiastic about <em>not</em> being seen as a mad man, hallucinating about... what ever it was that dream had been about. So he let the question go, trying hard to ignore the obvious sigh of relief Merlin gave him.</p>
<p>“I’ll get Gaius.” The brunette told him cheerfully, practically sprinting out of the room.</p>
<p>Arthur yawned, staring up at the canopy above his bed, wondering if it would really be such a bad thing to take a day off. So he wasn't on the brink of death, and Uther would probably have a fit, but Arthur genuinely felt like he needed it. His nerves were frayed, and he was jumpy and exhausted all the time, and the closer he got to turning 21 and becoming Crown Prince, the more anxious he felt.</p>
<p>Luckily he didn't have to wait long for Gaius. The court physician came bustling into the room, Merlin at his heels, a stern expression on his face. His voice was fond when he spoke to Arthur, though, and it reminded him of all the times when he got in trouble as a child. Like when he fell off a ledge into a river, while wandering around with Gwen Elyan and Leon, looking for frogs.</p>
<p>“Sire, surely you haven't strained yourself too much <em>again</em>. I treated you for a stress induced headache only a few days ago.”</p>
<p>Arthur waved his hand dismissively. “Merlin exaggerates. I’m fine, really you didn't have to go through the trouble of coming all this way.”</p>
<p>Gaius raised that infamous eyebrow of his. “Merlin tells me you collapsed.”</p>
<p>Arthur spluttered. “My muscles were sore, that's all. I had been training. Its good to sit and rest once in a while.” Merlin scoffed behind his mentor, and Arthur shot him a poisonous glare. The arse just stuck his tongue out at him.</p>
<p>Gaius hummed, placing his hand on Arthur’s forehead, before tilting his chin up to examine him further. “You seem to be doing alright, my lord. Perhaps a little dehydrated, but nothing we can’t fix.” He concluded. Arthur was about to shoot Merlin a smug look, when Gaius continued. “However, collapsing is a serious matter. I sense no sign of a sickness, but you could be suffering from a lack of nutrients to keep you moving. You should get some rest while you can.”</p>
<p>“But—“</p>
<p>The man held up his hand, not letting Arthur finish. “None of that. I’m sure Merlin won’t mind attending to you for the rest of the day, but I don't think it wise to continue in the training feild. I'm sure your father will understand.”</p>
<p>Merlin winked at him, which Arthur ignored. “I’ll get some lunch from the kitchens. I don't remember the last time you had a full lunch.” Arthur’s stomach grumbled in gratitude, and Arthur was about to begrudgingly thank him, before the son of a bitch turned to Gaius, eyes twinkling. “Remember what I asked for.”</p>
<p>He dashed out of the room, stubbing his toe on the door and hissing for a bit before continuing into the hallway. Dread filled Arthur’s stomach as he watched Gaius riffle through his bag, pulling out a small blue-black vial.</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to be?”</p>
<p>“This, sire, is a sleeping draught.”</p>
<p>Arthur scrunched his eyebrows together, confused. It dawned on him even before the old physician clarified, “Merlin said you’ve been getting nightmares.”</p>
<p>“I only got one!” He protested indignantly, even as Gaius shook his head.</p>
<p>“Better safe than sorry. You’ll need all the sleep you can get, now that you’re older and stretched thinner, Arthur. Surely you’d prefer that sleep to be peaceful?” He placed it on the table beside Arthur’s bed, and the blonde resisted the urge to swat it to the floor like an irritated cat. “I’ll leave it here. You don’t have to take it now. But it’s here in case you want it later.”</p>
<p>Arthur was going to kill Merlin the second he got back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gaius left shortly after, and Arthur got bored fiddling with his blankets waiting for Merlin, so he slid out of bed and took a seat at his desk, pulling out a parchment with a half written speech on it. If he was going to be under castle lock down then he was going to be productive.</p>
<p>Merlin walked in a few moment later, pausing when he didn’t immediately find Arthur where he thought he’d be. Then he saw him, head bent over the page, hand pushed into his hair in frustration, and smiled. “Need any help with that?”</p>
<p>Arthur glared. He doubted Merlin could even read, let alone write a prince’s speech. He knew enough about where and how Merlin was raised to know that. But to his surprise, the boy walked over with his platter of food, setting it carefully on the edge of the table and moving so that he was standing behind Arthur. He stared at the paper for a moment, and Arthur was shocked to see that he was actually reading what he had written. Then Merlin leaned forward, so his chest was against Arthur’s shoulder, and squinted. “You know for a prince I’d expect you to have more eligible handwriting. Can you even read your own words?”</p>
<p>All feelings of hesitant admiration vanished and Arthur swatted at his servant blindly. “I’d like to see you do better.”</p>
<p>“Alright.” Merlin agreed, gently taking the quill out of Arthur’s hand and grabbing a blank sheet of parchment. Then, because he was apparently out to make Arthur feel inadequate and embarrassed, he easily copied the written speech onto his own page, in a much neater hand. Arthur watched the quill move, feeling a childlike fascination at seeing the letters form. Merlin was a comfortable weight where he was pressed against Arthur, and the blonde could swear the servant was humming.</p>
<p>“Where did you learn to read and write?” Arthur asked, before wondering if it was an insensitive question.</p>
<p>Luckily, Merlin didn’t seem offended. “My mother taught me. I... well, lets just say I wasn’t the type of kid to go running outside with friends every day. I didn't have anything good to focus my energy on, until my friend Will came along, that is. So mum got me a few worn out books from a market one day and we taught ourselves how to read. Together.” He smiled, an expression on his face that Arthur couldn’t decipher. “Will thought the whole thing was rubbish. I loved it, though. My mum knew a bit more than me, soon she could read me bedtime stories. When I got good enough at reading, the writing came with it.”</p>
<p>Suddenly he stood up, and Arthur felt a flicker of disappointment that they weren’t pressed so close anymore. Merlin pushed his parchment proudly in front of Arthur with a noise of triumph. “Still think I couldn’t do better?”</p>
<p>Arthur rolled his eyes, but he was smiling despite himself. “You realize now I’m just going to make ‘going over my speeches’ another one of your chores right?”</p>
<p>Merlin shrugged, unbothered. “Gives me a chance to practice.”</p>
<p>Arthur couldn’t keep himself from grinning when Merlin reached over and stole a slice of bread from his plate, watching the blonde as he ate it, as if daring him to make a comment. “I thought it was important that I get a good lunch? Now you’re eating it for me.”</p>
<p>Merlin shrugged, shoving the rest of his bread into his mouth. “I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, unlike <em>someone</em>. I need it just as much as you do.”</p>
<p>Arthur frowned, but couldn’t bring himself to ask about it. Merlin seemed to decide the conversation was over, and pointed his thumb towards the antechamber. “I’m going to go clear up in there. Shout if you need help with that speech of yours.”</p>
<p>Arthur scoffed. “I won’t need <em>help.”</em></p>
<p>“I’ll remember that, Sire.”</p>
<p>He disappeared from the room, whistling tunelessly. Arthur dragged his lunch tray closer to himself, shifting in his chair to get comfortable.</p>
<p>The afternoon went on like that, complete with a serenity that Arthur hadn’t felt in a long time. Soft noise of chatting people and horses hooves echoed from below the window, and there was a slight breeze drifting in, keeping everything cool. Merlin’s presence in the room was comforting, though Arthur tried not to admit that even to himself. It wasn’t too noticeable, but not unpleasant if focused on. Almost... warm.</p>
<p>The occasional frustrated huff from Arthur as he mulled over his speech would break up their silence, and Merlin would shoot him a knowing look. Still, he wouldn’t say anything. It seemed he was determined to make Arthur be the first to reach out for help and prove himself wrong. Eventually the crick in the prince’s neck became too much to handle, and he pushed himself to his feet. Unsurprisingly, his legs had fallen asleep ages ago and Arthur nearly fell flat on his face. Merlin glanced up from the edge of Arthur’s bed, where he was polishing one of Arthur’s many swords, and watched the blonde stretch his arms above his head, groaning. “I was wondering how long you were going to stay hunched over that parchment. If you’re not careful you might turn out like Geoffrey, you know.”</p>
<p>Arthur scrubbed at his eyes, moving to sit down next to his servant, who went stiff beside him. “The speech needs to be finished by the end of the day, Merlin. I can’t exactly take breaks.” Merlin relaxed slightly as he continued. “Although you’d think I’d be entitled to a more comfortable chair.”</p>
<p>“You already have the softest bed in the world, I think you can stand sitting in a bad chair.” Merlin paused, suddenly changing course. “How are you feeling? Better?”</p>
<p>Arthur rolled his eyes. “Yes. Better. I told you it wasn’t that big of a deal.”</p>
<p>Merlin chewed on his lower lip, looking like he wanted to say something. “You’ve just... Been through a lot, this past month. And now you’re having nightmares—“</p>
<p>“For gods sake, I only had <em>one!”</em></p>
<p>“—and you seem really tired and stressed. I didn’t want to take any chances.”</p>
<p>Arthur started to nod reluctantly, then froze. “What do you mean, I’ve been through a lot?” As far as he could remember nothing huge had happened. Nothing worse than anything he’s already faced.</p>
<p>Merlin stared. “Arthur, just last month a Griffin nearly killed you.” Ohhhhhhh. That. “Not three weeks ago we thought we were watching Morgana die, and then Uther. And then with Sophia—“ he sucked in a sharp breath, looking away guiltily.</p>
<p>A cold feeling settled over Arthur’s shoulders, weighing him down. “What about Sophia? I knew her for a few days and then she disappeared. I don’t even remember half of my time with her. Why would that affect me?”</p>
<p>“Nothing. No reason.” Merlin said, <em>much </em>too quickly. “I just... you nearly ran away with her, before I hit you round the head. Forgive me for thinking there might be feelings involved with her leaving.”</p>
<p>“None.”</p>
<p>“Alright, then. Good for you.” Merlin stood up briskly, tossing the sword onto Arthur’s bed. “We need to finish your speech before it gets any later.”</p>
<p>Arthur had no idea what to make of this new change in attitude. One minute Merlin was peaceful and relaxed the next he was tense and snappy. There was a favorite phrase of Gaius’s that seemed to fit him perfectly: a riddle wrapped up in a mystery. Just when Arthur finally thought he’d figured the idiot out, he went and confused him again. Arse.</p>
<p>Arthur was not keen on sitting back down in that horrid chair, but he found himself watching in astonishment as Merlin took that seat for him, looking like he belonged at that desk, reading over Arthur’s shabby penmanship. Arthur decided not to say anything, and took his place behind Merlin, looking over his shoulder as his eyes scanned the page.</p>
<p>And so their cycle went. Writing, reading, editing, and back to writing. At some point Merlin brought up dinner, and they ate together in silence, something Arthur would never be caught dead doing with someone like Morris, but didn’t even think twice about with Merlin.</p>
<p>Finally, <em>finally </em>the speech was done. Merlin copied it down onto his own paper and tossed it at Arthur, smiling. Completing the work in time had put them both back in a good mood, and Arthur got up from his spot at the windowsill to head down to his father’s chambers to turn it in. Merlin just shot him a thumbs up as he left the room, before kicking his feet up on the table.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Uther looked up at Arthur’s entrance, setting aside his quill. “Arthur. Morgana and I missed you at dinner this evening. Gaius tells me you are unwell.”</p>
<p>“A slight fever, my lord, I should be fine by the morning. I left the training to Leon and took the day to complete the speech for Beltane.”</p>
<p>Uther gestured for Arthur to hand it over, and raised an eyebrow once he did. “Either you’ve been practicing, or this isn't your script.”</p>
<p>Arthur flushed. “Uh, Merlin rewrote it for me.”</p>
<p>Uther nodded. “It seems you two get on well.”</p>
<p>“As well as one could expect, my lord.”</p>
<p>The King hummed, his eyes glancing over the paper one more time before setting it down. “I’d say better than one might expect, actually.” Arthur frowned, not quite sure what to say. He didn't need to say anything apparently, because his father dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Thank you Arthur. I expect you to be back to work tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Of course, father.”</p>
<p>Arthur felt he could breathe easier the second he left the room. His fathers presence was sometimes stifling, and there were days much like this one where the prince couldn't stand to handle it for long.</p>
<p>He made his way back to his own room, finding Merlin waiting for him there. He stood from the desk, knowing that their day was over, and that Arthur would be going to bed. “Happy with how it turned out?” He asked, trying to strike up a conversation.</p>
<p>“Yes, actually.” Arthur conceded. “Thank you. For your help.” He resisted the urge to add ‘not that I needed it’ only because deep down, he knew that he had.</p>
<p>“No need to thank me. I’ve only done the court an enormous favor by making sure you don’t bore them to death. It was my pleasure, really.”</p>
<p>“You had to go and ruin the moment, didn’t you?” Arthur asked, shoving his servant playfully.</p>
<p>The boy just grinned, helping Arthur untie the laces of his tunic and slip it over his head. Arthur wasn't finished, though. “Also, thank you for staying with me all day. I’m sure you usually have other things to do.” </p>
<p>Merlin shot him a funny look at this, folding the tunic over his arm and tossing it in a laundry basket. “That’s a lot of gratitude there, Sire. What’s the special occasion?”</p>
<p>“Contrary to your personal belief I do actually know how to be polite.”</p>
<p>“Could have fooled me.” </p>
<p>“Watch it.”</p>
<p>Merlin payed him no mind, pulling back the covers for Arthur to climb into bed. He looked like he was about to blow out the candles, then he spun around, reaching for something on the nightstand. Arthur groaned. He’d completely forgotten about it. </p>
<p>Merlin held up Gaius’s sleeping draught, an eyebrow raised in a weak imitation of the man himself. Arthur scrunched his face up to show his disapproval. “Come on, Arthur, don’t be difficult. Just— try it for one night. One night, and then if it doesn’t work you won’t have to take it anymore. Promise.”</p>
<p>Eventually Arthur relented, taking the small vial and downing the contents in one quick gulp. It smelled foul, and tasted even worse, and honestly Arthur’s respect for Morgana skyrocketed after remembering that she had to take something like this — but double the strength — <em>every night</em>. </p>
<p>Merlin blew out the candles then, satisfied. He pulled the blankets up over Arthur’s shoulders, shutting the windows to block out the night air.</p>
<p>They bid each other goodnight, and just as Arthur’s mind slipped into darkness, he could have sworn that he heard Merlin whisper, “Sleep well, my king.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope I didn't bore you too much. next chapter should be more dramatic since Arthurs gonna dream again. idk. I have ~plans~ for this story but I'm not sure what to do with them. Kudos, Comments, and Bookmarks are appreciated &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. But He is a Liar (I'll Believe it All)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gwen and Morgana show up because I love them and I need to write them into scenes or I'll die &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Back again! I see we have no Country fans in the audience 😔 (Honestly im not a huge fan of country myself but come on! [redacted] is great!! Uncultured swines, all of you.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The world was muted, and Arthur felt pressure all around him, wrapping him in a cold blanket. Bubbles slipped past his face and his hair drifted around him like a golden halo of light, shining in the water. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Arthur couldn’t remember where he was. He knew his lungs were running out of air — and fast — but he couldn’t bring himself to panic. The light tug of the current felt so peaceful, pulling him deeper and deeper, until he could swear he heard low and raspy voices, creatures hissing and welcoming him eagerly. Distantly there were screams, and loud blasts, and then shouting, but Arthur didn’t pay it any mind. He just kept drifting, his chainmail weighing him down, dragging him further and further into the depths. He welcomed the inky blackness that seemed to engulf him, tightening around him, expelling the rest of the oxygen from his chest. Consciousness seemed to slip away, escaping through the cracks of his foggy mind when—</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was a hand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A grip, on his shoulder, then moving to press against his back. Water churned around him, brushing against his skin like a caress, as the hand — hands, now, there were two of them — grappled blindly for him and started raising him back to the surface, causing his ears to pop unpleasantly. The hissing from below swelled, then dropped into despondent silence.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He broke into the freezing evening air, still half way gone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There were hands on his chest, hugging him close to another body, dripping wet and shivering. A voice next to his ear promised him, “You’re alright. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” In breathless, whispered tones, over and over again. He couldn’t muster up the strength to reply. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Arthur must have blacked out and came back a few times, because while he never fully woke, he became aware of little, fleeting things. A lingering touch, a quiet breath, a groan of pain. First the comfort and warmth of the lake, then the tickle of the grass. A hold on his shoulders and a weight taken off his body, making him feel lighter than he ever had, as a kind stranger carried him along a broken path. The familiar scene of a soft bed, cheerful songbirds outside the window, the first rays of dawn. An old man, and a younger one, watching over him. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Arthur didn’t so much as startle awake, as come into it, like a newborn fawn taking its first steps. His eyes blinked open suddenly enough that it surprised him, but he still felt that familiar grogginess, that lingering calm and disorientation, before sitting up and rubbing his eyes.</p><p>A shadow in the corner of the room shifted, and instantly he was alert, scanning his chambers critically. Merlin clucked from his spot in front of the fireplace, and Arthur resisted the urge to throw something at him for startling him. “Sleep well, sire?”</p><p>Arthur thought back, remembering his dream. His eyebrows knit together in confusion, trying desperately to make something out of it. It felt less… fragmented, than the one from the night before, for lack of a better word. But Arthur still couldn’t understand what it might have been trying to show him. “I… I don’t know.”</p><p>Merlin hummed. “Well it looked like you did. Didn’t even stir when I opened the curtains.”</p><p>Finally Arthur noticed the state of his room. The drapes were flung open wide, sunlight streaming in as the castle’s citadel began to wake. Breakfast was already laid out on the table, and Merlin seemed to have gotten through at least one of his chores, now taking up a relaxed position on the rug in Arthurs room, leaning back against the leg of a chair. The prince frowned. “Why didn’t you wake me?”</p><p>Merlin smiled, standing up and stretching his legs beneath him. Arthur watched his muscles tighten and relax much longer than he probably should have. “What part of Gaius’s ‘you collapsed out of exhaustion’ speech did you not understand? You deserved your rest, just this once.” Merlin made his way across the room, tossing a shirt into Arthur’s lap for him to pull on, a gesture that would have Morris quivering in his boots. “So? Any nightmares? Or was I right in asking for the sleep remedy?”</p><p>Arthur didn’t want to have to endure Merlin’s smug grin, and he also wasn’t sure what to call the vision he’d had, so he didn’t give an answer. Just shrugged, tugging the shirt on and stepping out of bed with a readiness that he normally wouldn’t possess had he not slept in late. “Have you been here long?”</p><p>Merlin frowned, but accepted the subject change with grace, reaching out to fix the collar of the prince's tunic. “Since dawn. I did most of my morning chores in here.” The meaning was easy for even Arthur to understand, expressed so clearly on his servants face. <em>I was worried for you.</em></p><p>The corners of Arthur’s mouth turned up hesitantly. Merlin’s queer behavior caught him off guard every time. He knew no one else — aside from perhaps Morgana, but even she sometimes had ulterior motives — who was so open and expressive. Merlin wore his heart on his sleeve, and he seemed to be trying to drag Arthur through hell itself to get him to do the same.</p><p>“Arthur?” Merlin wiped self consciously at his mouth, making Arthur realize that he’d been staring. “Do I have something on my face?”</p><p>“Er… no. No, um.” Arthur coughed awkwardly, making his way around to the table and focusing his attention on his food, pretending Merlin wasn’t there, watching him in bewilderment. “What are my duties for today?”</p><p>Merlin paused, suddenly looking panicked. “Uhhhhh. Shit. I think… maybe… dinner with your father. And… an afternoon patrol shift? No, wait, that might be tomorrow…”</p><p>Arthur sighed, popping a few grapes into his mouth. “You’d think after having so many months to adjust to the job you’d have become useful by now. I’ll ask the guards on my way out.”</p><p>Merlin sent him a rude gesture, laughing when Arthur threw a grape at his head.</p><p>Arthur watched him smile for a bit, a strange feeling stirring in his stomach. Of course, he had to go and ruin it. “Merlin,” the boy turned his focus to Arthur almost instantly, smile still lingering on his lips.  “Can you… can you dream of memories?”</p><p>Merlin frowned. “Erm… I think so. Why?”</p><p>Arthur didn’t answer at first, too busy trying to quell the rising unease in him. Then he said, “I’ve had some odd dreams before. But none that feel like I should remember them. None that stick with me in a particular way. But now…” he pressed his lips together. Merlin began to look genuinely worried. “I think I remember eloping with Sophia.” He blurted. “But… I wasn’t all… there. And I definitely wasn’t hit over the head with a stick. I drowned. Or, nearly drowned, at least.”</p><p>He stopped talking then, assessing Merlin’s expression, too embarrassed to admit the rest. How tightly Merlin had clung to him in the lake — because he knew it had been Merlin now, he would recognize that voice anywhere — how relieved he sounded when he told him ‘<em>you’re alright. You’re safe now.’ </em></p><p>How comforting his presence had been.</p><p>The brunette’s face was blanker than Arthur had ever seen it. He seemed deep in thought, and almost panicky with how tense he looked, but his expression was drawn and shuttered, not revealing anything. </p><p>“Merlin…” Arthur began, growing uneasy, “Now is your chance to tell me the truth. Please take it. What happened with Sophia?”</p><p>“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, my lord.” His servant rushed, but he winced, even as he said it.</p><p>Arthur’s temper flared, despite himself. “Don’t lie to me, Merlin.” He saw his friend’s stricken expression, so the prince tried calming his tone. “Please?”</p><p>Arthur rarely had to walk on eggshells with anyone before. He rarely cared enough to try, unless he counted the nobles he didn’t want to offend, or 10 year old Morgana, who he knew used to cry herself to sleep every night after her father’s death. Merlin seemed so wound up, though, that Arthur was worried he might try to bolt the second he got yelled at, and it wasn’t a risk he was willing to take.</p><p>Merlin still would not meet his gaze. He looked like a caged animal, eyes flitting to every corner of the room, looking for escape. Arthur was surprised to see that his servant was actually <em>scared. </em>There was fear in everything from his posture to the thin line of his mouth to the shine in his eyes.</p><p>Arthur’s face scrunched up even more, not sure what to make of this realization. “Merlin? You’re acting like a spooked horse, what on Earth is wrong?”</p><p>Merlin opened his mouth to speak, a weak smile flickering like a dying sun. “Nothing. Nothing, my lord, I’m just… surprised. By the question. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”</p><p>Arthur was about to reply when Merlin shoved off from where he was standing at the table, crossing the room in quick strides. “I have to go see if Gaius needs help with his morning deliveries.”</p><p>The prince called after him, but it was too late. The door was already slamming shut with a resounding <em>clang. </em>Arthur stared after him for a long moment, reeling from the confusion of what had just happened.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Alright.” Morgana exclaimed, throwing open Arthur’s chamber doors, “Out with it. What did you do to Merlin?”</p><p>Arthur looked up from where he was struggling with the fasten of his hauberk, startled. “What did I do to Merl.. what are you talking about, Morgana?”</p><p>“Hit him too hard? Threw something at him and gave him a concussion? Went a bit too tough on him at training? What?” Morgana pressed, like she’d rehearsed the scolding ten minutes before.</p><p>“Wha— <em>no! </em>Merlin wasn’t even at training, I haven’t seen him all morning.”</p><p>“Well you must have done <em>something, </em>Arthur, because he’s in a shit enough mood that even Gwen is upset. She says Merlin won’t even look at her, and is acting all shifty whenever she does try to get his attention. You do realize that princes shouldn’t go around bullying their friends into a terrible attitude, right? Whatever you did, you need to go apologize.”</p><p>Arthur rubbed at his temples, too exhausted from training to be dealing with anything like this at the moment. “I assure you, I did nothing. Merlin’s just being strange, which is actually <em>normal</em> for him. And I’m not bullying anyone, so I’m not going to apologize for something I havent done.”</p><p>Morgana pursed her lips, changing tactics. Gentle as a mother’s touch, she laid her hand over Arthurs, helping him untie the straps of his armor. She spoke as she worked, not looking up at him. “Perhaps you shouldn’t assume odd behavior is nothing to pay attention to. You forget that Merlin is my friend too, Arthur. I can tell when something’s wrong. If you don't believe me then go talk to Gwen.” She stepped away, and Arthur sighed through his nose, already feeling himself begin to falter at her words, like he always did, ever since they were children. “The poor boy has something going on. Now for the life of me, I can’t figure out what. Maybe you can.”</p><p>“I’ve <em>tried</em> speaking with Merlin. Just this morning, I tried. I’m not getting through to him.”</p><p>“And that’s reason to give up?” Morgana snapped, before closing her eyes and breathing deeply. “Arthur, sometimes it's a combination of asking the right questions, and knowing when to not ask anything at all, to get people to open up to you. Most of the time you aren’t even aware that people are closed off to you.” Arthur frowned, not understanding her meaning, but she pushed on. “Merlin, however, is making it painfully clear that something is wrong. So figure out the right questions, and get him back to normal.”</p><p>She turned to leave and Arthur called indignantly, “Why me?”</p><p>She turned her head to face him. “Because you're the only one in this entire bloody castle who hasn’t seen him all morning or tried their hand at it.”</p><p>For the second time that day he watched a friend close the door behind him and felt dread and disconcertion rising up in him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As it turned out, Merlin was not an easy man to find.</p><p>First Arthur checked Gaius’s chambers. The old man pointed him to the armory. He checked the armory. Leon suggested he check the stables. Round and round he went, from the stables to the fields to the kitchens, even to the dungeons at one point, in a moment of pure desperation and not knowing where else to look.</p><p>He ran into Gwen on his third round to the kitchens, where she was helping Cecil with his masters laundry. She glanced up as Arthur came in and almost immediately dipped into a low curtsey, Cecil scrambling into a bow next to her.</p><p>“My lord?” She asked, her eyebrows drawn together in the way that used to give Arthur butterflies and had turned Lancelot into a puddle of goo when he’d come to Camelot. “What is it?”</p><p>Cecil artfully extracted himself from the conversation, but Arthur was too busy being annoyed with his own servant to notice or care about the shyness of another. “I don't suppose you’ve seen Merlin by any chance?” He asked, and Guinevere’s mouth formed a small <em>o </em>of understanding. “Its just that I think I might have upset him somehow, and Morgana’s scolding me, and I swear to god I’ve checked for him everywhere. I fear if I check Gaius’s chambers one more time, the man will try his luck at murdering me.”</p><p>Gwen nodded slowly. “Forgive me, sire, but have you checked the forest? He tends to go out there when he's feeling stressed. I’m surprised I managed to see him at all this morning with how he’d been acting. I would have expected him to go right away. Reminds me of Elyan in that respect, actually.”</p><p>Arthur paused, hearing the sadness in her voice. Despite himself he asked, “Still no word from him?”</p><p>Arthur didn't know Elyan all that well, but he and Gwen were childhood friends with Leon, and so by default they ran into each other more than once. He grew closer with Guinevere than with her brother, after she became Morgana’s maid, but he was well informed enough to know that Elyan had up and disappeared a few months before Merlin showed up. Gwen was worried sick for him almost constantly.</p><p>Gwen shook her head, smiling sadly. “None. But, thank you for asking.” She paused, getting a far away look in her eye. “I worry for him. Which you probably already know,” She flashed him a sheepish smile, “Sorry.”</p><p>Arthur returned her smile with one of his own. “No need to apologize. And I’m sure he’s fine.”</p><p>Gwen fiddled with her hands, eyebrows drawn together again. “Yeah, I suppose.”</p><p>There was an awkward pause, filled only by the rustle of fabric as Cecil tried to discreetly slip past them. Arthur raised a hand in a small wave, backing away. “Well, thanks. I’ll check for Merlin in the woods. I really appreciate the help.”</p><p>Gwen nodded. “Of course, sire. I hope you find him.”</p><p>Arthur thanked her again, before leaving the kitchens, intent and purpose set.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Bitches mention Elyan every chance they get even if he's not relevant to the plot because they're obsessed with him and his relationship with Gwen.</p><p>It's me. I'm bitches.</p><p>Comments, Kudos, and Bookmarks are appreciated &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The More That You Say The Less I Know</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Arthur struggles with the fact that he is Human and has Emotions™</p><p>Merlin came up with a new torture method and its called: Force Arthur to Lead the Deep Emotional Conversations For Once</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If yall don't guess where this chapter title came from im going to be so confused because 1. its a new release so theres a good chance its on a bunch of radio stations and 2. its literally THE Merthur song on Tumblr atm</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Merlin, the ass, let him wander alone in the forest in a sweaty red tunic, under the burning sun, <em> for what felt like hours</em>. A few times he almost stopped and turned back. What was he doing out here looking for a servant, anyway? He could have sent the guards or something. Besides, the boy had probably returned to the castle while Arthur was tripping over tree roots, because he clearly seemed to hate him.</p><p>Why couldn’t Gwen come looking for the idiot? Or Morgana, seeing as how worried she was.</p><p>Arthur scowled, brushing burrs off his shirt, shoving through a line of trees, his mood significantly dampened compared to his pleasantly started morning.</p><p>Morgana’s voice sounded from somewhere in his head, (which was how he knew that they’d been living together too long. He could always recall her voice so easily.) <em>Aren’t you supposed to be a master at tracking and hunting and all of that shit? Find</em> <em>him!</em></p><p>“Yes, yes,” Arthur muttered aloud, stomping on a twig and scaring a young sparrow, sitting on a low branch above his head. “I’m trying.”</p><p>It took him another twenty minutes before he stumbled across a footprint in a puddle of mud. Arthur reached for the sword at his side, glancing up, his mind and eye painting a clear path through the forest for him to follow. He didn’t know if it was left by Merlin, but the prints certainly looked big enough. He was willing to risk it, if only to make it out of the forest before his scheduled patrol.</p><p>Having spent practically his entire life in the woods surrounding his kingdom, it didn't take Arthur long to figure out where the trail was leading him. There was a clearing, small enough for a person to not feel dwarfed by the size, and yet large enough to be a regular camping spot for travelers and knights. But it was <em> miles </em> from the city. Surely Merlin wouldn’t walk <em> that </em>far simply for some place to cool down.</p><p>Still, he forged on, some unknown force keeping his legs moving, despite the painful ache in the soles of his feet.</p><p>Ages later, he knew that he was getting close. That tree ahead of him had never recovered from the boar hunt of Arthur’s 18th birthday. That patch of clover on his side grew in the same spot every year. That boulder behind him had been quite fun to climb with Morgana the day they ran away from their escorts as children.</p><p>So why did it feel so different?</p><p>Was it the butterflies? Blue and black, shimmering like their wings were made of crystal, flocking to Arthur and resting gently on his hand, the tip of his ear, the blonde curls of his hair.</p><p>Was it the plant life? Arthur was fairly sure that there had never been this much vegetation before.</p><p>Or was it the way the birds watched him on their perches as he passed, their songs cut off abruptly as they seemed to judge him from so far above his head?</p><p>Whatever it was, Arthur felt it thrumming in his veins, worming its way into his mind, the truth making itself known with relative ease.</p><p>He would find Merlin here. He was sure of it.</p><p>He pushed silently through a line of trees, and his jaw promptly fell to the ground.</p><p>The grass was long, covered in dew, and sparkling in the afternoon sun. A stream rushed past, misting the air with a pretty little rainbow, that rippled as butterflies passed through it. Birds and frogs chirped in unison, the sun beaming down through the branches around the edge of the meadow, forming a sort of splatter effect with the shadows.</p><p>All in all, Arthur thought it was the most beautiful place he had ever seen. He had seen it before, of course. Nearly a hundred times. But never like this.</p><p>Merlin sat in the middle of it all, laying on his back in the grass, his hand reached up to the sky as if he were tracing the clouds.</p><p>Arthur’s concern came back to him in the split second his eyes landed on the servant, his irritation fading to mere background noise.</p><p>Before Arthur could contemplate leaving — this was Merlin’s comfort space, after all, maybe he shouldn’t have gone looking for a man who didn’t want to be found — he was caught. As if sensing his presence, Merlin sat up, spinning around. Arthur stood as still as a deer, directly in his line of sight, feeling oddly guilty.</p><p>Merlin scrambled to his feet in alarm. “Sire. What are— what are you doing here?”</p><p>“Looking for you,” The blonde answered honestly. “I hadn’t seen you all day, Gwen and Morgana were worried.”</p><p>Merlin seemed to get over his shock rather quickly. He cocked his head, stepping forward and flashing a cheeky grin. Arthur could almost believe that nothing was out of place between them at all. “Not you though?”</p><p>The prince scoffed. “I don’t get <em> worried </em>, Merlin. And certainly not over your miserable mood swings.”</p><p>Merlin pouted at him. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more sensitive, you prat. I <em> did </em>come here for a reason.”</p><p>“Yes, I know, to get out of washing my socks.” </p><p>He expected Merlin would be able to carry the banter easily. That he’d laugh it off, and shoot one witty thing or another right back, and they would carry on as normal. (And yes, ok, maybe a part of him <em> hoped </em> for that to happen, so he wouldn’t have to deal with the upcoming conversation.)</p><p>He expected wrong.</p><p>Instead, the infuriating boy just bit his lip, and cast his gaze to the ground. His face was drawn together in an expression that wasn’t anger, but wasn’t <em> not </em>anger, either. Arthur stepped farther into the clearing, stopping only a few inches away from where Merlin stood.</p><p><em>Ask him! </em>Mental Morgana shouted, impatient.</p><p>Arthur obeyed. “Merlin... what happened this morning?”</p><p>Merlin brought his hands up like he was going to shove Arthur away, but at the last second, he just crossed his arms and backed away a few steps, laughing bitterly. “So we’re gonna talk about that, huh?”</p><p>“Of course we are!” Arthur threw his hands up in the air, some of his early frustration leaking back into his voice. “You ran off on me this morning, I didn’t know where you were!”</p><p>Merlin turned away. “You shouldn’t have bothered to come look, I’m sure Morris could handle you for a day.”</p><p>Arthur latched onto Merlin’s wrist, stopping him from walking away. The boy pulled out of his grasp rather viciously, and Arthur didn’t try again, but Merlin had thankfully gotten the message and stayed where he was. The prince stared at him in bewilderment. “What on Earth has been going on with you lately?”</p><p>Merlin’s lower lip trembled, and his chest heaved with barely restrained panic. “I—" he choked, “I can’t Arth— I <em> can’t </em>,” he wrapped his arms around himself, shaking like a leaf, and suddenly Arthur realized how much of a mess this actually was. </p><p>Shit.</p><p>Shit, shit shit shit. </p><p>What the hell had he done? <em> What was going on?! </em></p><p>Arthur reached out, instinctively wanting to grip his friend's shoulder (which was about the most affirming and comforting gesture he had ever been shown) but Merlin flinched away from his touch.</p><p>The blonde wanted to scream. He felt so wrong footed, and confused, and <em> helpless </em>. </p><p><em> Why wouldn’t Merlin just— </em> “Talk to me.” Arthur demanded, before he knew that words were even leaving his mouth. “Come on,” he reached for his servant’s hands and guided him back to the grass. “Sit down, before you keel over.”</p><p>Merlin scrubbed at his eyes, his breaths shallow, like he was trying to get as little air into his lungs as possible. Hmmm. That probably wasn’t good.</p><p>“I need you to tell me what’s bothering you. Because this,” he gestured vaguely at the boy’s face, “can’t continue.”</p><p><em>The </em>right<em> questions, Arthur, </em>Mental Morgana chided, when Merlin seemed to curl in on himself. <em>Don’t be an ass.</em></p><p>The prince took a deep breath, thinking for a moment. “Was it something I did?”</p><p>Merlin didn’t answer. Arthur had to swallow the desire to defend himself, (he didn’t do anything wrong! And if he did he couldn’t remember it, so <em> obviously </em> it wasn’t all that important or meaningful!) because he knew something like that wouldn’t help. He just sat with Merlin and let him breathe for a while, biting his tongue as hard as he possibly could.</p><p>The right questions, Morgana had said. How the hell was he supposed to know what the right questions were?</p><p> “Does it… does it have something to do with my dreams?”</p><p>Merlin flinched, tugging his hands out of Arthur’s grip like he’d been burnt. Honestly the blonde hadn’t even realized that they were still holding hands up until that point.</p><p>Ah. So that was the wrong question then…? Or did that mean it was the right one? God, he was useless at this sort of thing! Why couldn’t he just threaten to throw Merlin in the stocks if he didn’t tell him the truth?</p><p>Actually…</p><p><em> No. </em> Mental Morgana growled. <em> Don’t even think about it. </em></p><p>Exasperated, Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, Merlin, I don’t usually sit on my ass in the middle of the woods with someone, when I could very well be doing something more worth my time. So please, for the love of everything holy just <em>spit it out. </em>You can trust me, I just— I need to know what’s going on.”</p><p><em> Bad. </em> Morgana told him. <em> That was very bad. I mean really, really awful, you— </em></p><p><em> Oh, piss off. </em>Arthur countered.</p><p>Merlin was staring at him now. It was a much more guarded look than the prince was used too, but it was eye contact, so maybe they were getting somewhere. The brunette seemed to be deciding something, his eyes searching Arthur’s, his mouth stretched into a thin line. Whether or not he found whatever he was looking for in his gaze, Arthur couldn’t tell.</p><p>Finally, his face hardened, and he dropped his eyes back to his lap. “If I told you...” He swallowed noticeably, shaking his head a little. “If I told you that your nightmare was real, that it had actually happened… what would you say?”</p><p>Arthur hadn’t been expecting that. At all. </p><p>Whether it was Merlin’s sudden cooperation or his answer that threw him off guard, the prince wasn’t sure. “You mean--” Arthur fell silent, staring at Merlin’s mop of raven hair, remembering his injury. “<em>Everything? </em>” </p><p>“Depends on what you dreamt about.” The servant admitted. “You didn’t tell me a whole lot.”</p><p>Arthur was very, <em> very </em>glad that he was already sitting down. “You were attacked in one of them.” He muttered. “In my chambers, you were blasted with this… light. And I didn’t do anything. I was there, but it was almost like… like I didn’t care.”</p><p>Merlin closed his eyes, reaching for Arthur’s hands again, as if grounding himself. Arthur barely even noticed. “I lied, when I told you I hit my head on a tree.”</p><p>He didn’t say outright that he <em> had </em> been thrown into a wall, but Arthur didn’t need him to. The prince sucked in a sharp breath, feeling light headed. “Why?”</p><p>Merlin dragged a hand over his face. “Because I knew you’d ask too many questions, Arthur! And because it wasn’t a big deal anyway, Sophia and Aulfric are gone now.”</p><p>Arthur wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but he asked anyway. “What happened? Who were they?”</p><p>“They were Sidhe. Or, used to be Sidhe, I guess.” </p><p>“Shee? What the hell is a shee?”</p><p>“Sidhe. They’re a kind of fae creature. Gaius says they’re immortal, and live in Avalon, which is kind of like our afterlife. Supposedly no living person has ever seen it.”</p><p>Arthur waited for a bit, watching Merlin expectantly. “That… <em> really </em> doesn’t clear anything up.”</p><p>Merlin rolled his eyes. “Sidhe are creatures of magic, so they’re good with enchantments and that sort of thing. They had been banished from Avalon to have a mortal lifespan because Aulfric killed someone.”</p><p>“How do you know all of this?”</p><p>Merlin shrugged. “I followed him, and heard him talking about it. Do you want me to continue or not?” Arthur reluctantly nodded, trying to wrap his head around all of this new information. “Sophia put you under a love spell. The price to get back to Avalon was your soul, so she put you under an enchantment, and tried to sacrifice you in the lake.”</p><p>“Which is why I remember drowning.” Arthur finished. </p><p>Merlin nodded. He was tense, and looked a little shaky, but you wouldn’t have been able to tell from his voice. “After you went to Uther asking to marry her, I found you in your chambers, packing. I tried to stop you, but Aulfric… ya know…” He wiggled his fingers, which Arthur could only assume meant ‘magic’.</p><p>Arthur shook his head in disbelief. “You could have <em> died </em>, Merlin.”</p><p>“But I didn't!” Merlin held out his arms as best he could with one hand still intertwined with Arthur’s. “See?” </p><p>The prince just sighed. “Okay, if Sophia was trying to sacrifice me, how am I still alive?”</p><p>“Gaius came and got me. Morgana had seen you leaving, so I ran after you. Luckily I got to you in time.”</p><p>“What happened to Sophia? And her father?”</p><p>Merlin pursed his lips. “They died.” </p><p>Honestly, Arthur shouldn’t have been surprised. Merlin had said they were gone. Arthur was still standing. It was the only logical conclusion to come to. But looking at Merlin, he couldn’t bring himself to believe that this clumsy, awkward, gangly idiot had a <em> body count </em>. And a body count that included immortal fairies? That was too much. </p><p>Arthur thought he could feel the beginnings of a headache forming. He rubbed at his temples, trying to quell it. “I don’t even know what to say… how did they die?” How the hell did Merlin manage to overpower <em> two </em> sorcerers?</p><p>“It’s complicated.”</p><p>“When is it not?”</p><p>“I got the jump on them, is all.” </p><p>Arthur fixed his servant with an annoyed look. “Really? You?”</p><p>Merlin looked offended. “You don’t have to sound so surprised.”</p><p>“You took out two previously immortal fae? With a concussion?”</p><p>“Er.. well, they were distracted, so—”</p><p>“After being hit by lighting and running through the forest?” </p><p>“Look—”</p><p>“I thought we were past all of the lying, Merlin.” </p><p>The boy bit his bottom lip, assessing Arthur long enough to make the prince squirm. Finally, he said, his voice quiet and subdued, “They… Um. Aulfric left the staff he attacked me with on the ground when he was chanting, and…” He brought his hand up to his mouth, chewing furiously at the nail. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Arthur paused, his blood running cold. Wait. No, that couldn’t be right. Because wasn't it-? Merlin wasn’t- he <em> couldn’t </em> be… Oh, god.</p><p>“But… isn’t that staff…” Arthur swallowed, not quite able to look at Merlin. <em> You’re wrong. </em> He told himself. <em> Maybe he just hit Aulfric and Sophia with it really hard. He can’t possibly be… </em> “Magical?”</p><p>Merlin sighed through his nose, briefly closing his eyes, as if he were resigning himself to some terrible fate and was trying to soak up the peace while it lasted. Maybe he was. He opened his mouth to respond, and all Arthur could think was, <em>N</em><em>o, god, please no. Not you. Anyone but you.  </em></p><p>“Yeah. It is.” </p><p>
  <em> Shit, no, please, please no, this can't be happening, this can't be- </em>
</p><p>“A friend used it on them.”</p><p>
  <em> Wait, what? </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Mental Morgana would be what would happen if Arthur could hear me screaming at him from behind the TV Screen 😌</p><p>It was completely unintentional that Arthur quotes Michael Scott in that last bit there but I'm keeping it because I think he would like watching The Office :)) </p><p>Fun Fact! This was supposed to be a magic reveal scene but then I had an ✨ i d e a ✨ and this ended up happening. </p><p>Kudos, Comments, and Bookmarks are appreciated &lt;3</p>
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